Category Archives: Humor/humour

Rules for Singing the Blues

Rules Of The Blues  – Author Unkown.

1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning…”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes… sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound.”

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch–ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg ’cause a alligator be chompin’ on it is.

9. You can’t have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. Highway
b. Jailhouse
c. An empty bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom’s
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy league institutions
d. Golf courses

12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

13. You have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. You older than dirt
b. You blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can’t be satisfied

14. You don’t have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. You have all your teeth
b. You were once blind but now can see
c. The man in Memphis lived
d. You have a pension fund

15. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

16. If you ask for water and your darlin’ give you gasoline, it’s the Blues

17. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Cheap wine
b. Whiskey or bourbon
c. Muddy water
d. Nasty black coffee

18. The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

19. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

20. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

21. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

22. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Melon, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon, Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not “Kiwi.”)

24. I don’t care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues. Well maybe if you own a PC – but certainly not a Mac…

C’est le temps des pommes à Mont-Saint-Hilaire!

Venez faire un tour…

pommes 1

apple-comp

pomme 2

Sex and the Country – at a Field Theater Near You

This is the season. Hundreds of coleopteras are copulating on Wild Carrot or Queen Anne’s Lace (Daucus Carota) flowers.  The flower “nest”  has a tiny dark red flower in the middle. It is said the function of that anthocyanin flower is to attract insects. In flowers, bright reds and purples are adaptive for attracting pollinators. You can see all the pollen on the two insects below. It must be very successful for the plant because all the Carrot flower tops in my area are filled with various insects – mostly coleopteras. On this picture it seems to be the Flower Longhorn Beetle (Trigonarthris minnesota) but I am not an insect specialist.

sex_and_the_country

This is How I Saw My Dad! Happy Father’s Day To All Great Dads In The World!

Presonnage d’Halloween très bizarre

Ce bizarre de personnage est descendu de la montagne le soir de l’Halloween et s’est mis à danser comme Travolta. Il ne voulait pas de bonbons, il voulait juste faire le party!

Saturday Night Halloween Fever

Saturday Night Halloween Fever

Sumo Wrestlers Testicles?

I am not making this up. Once in a while I look at the statistics section of my WordPress Blog. It tells me which words or sequences of words were actually googled to get to my Blog.

Usually I recognize the topics immediately and they make sense: Land Art, Nature, Music, Nutrition, Alternative medicine, Ecology, etc.

Sometimes it is a little more cryptic. Someone wrote 770 X 1440 and landed on my site??? I tried googling it myself and my blog does not show up at all – indeed why would it?

But “Sumo Wrestlers Testicles” is clearly the most bizarre keywords I have seen on my Blog! What were they expecting? Weird gigantic testes pictures? Why would someone actually search for that???

I bravely googled it myself and all I found was a comment about a camera lens: “The lens retracts into the body, a bit like a Sumo wrestlers testicles.” Nothing about my Blog – unsurprisingly. Although I did write a post about a Sumo Wrestler. (Hmmm … First let me make sure I did not mention his testicles…)

What did the person mean with “retracts in the body”? I wasted no time to research this delicate subject. If you really REALLY want to know more about this most important life transforming topic please go immediately to: Do sumos really retract their testicles into their bodies?

You can thank me later for adding to your education. Just think you could have gone to sleep tonight not even knowing about this. Actually if you have read that far, you probably are suffering from insomnia and it wouldn’t apply to you but you know what I mean – right?

Joyeux Noël / Merry Christmas!

Les anges dans nos campagnes – version végétarienne

Angels We Have Heard On High – The Vegan version

Read this – if you can

If yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. Tnkas to the phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed tihs frowrad it…